10 June 2017

A while

It has been a while since I wrote the previous post but I manage to delete all those post. Trying out to start the new me. There's a lot of thinking inside my mind these day.

1. Will I get married before I reach the age of 22 years old???
I wish I could, and I would hope I end my 22 years old with a ring and a husband. Or at least before the age of 24 years old.
2. Why I want to get married so early???
Because I know myself couldn't hold into a relationship. If it goes too long 5-8 years for instance, I get bored because I can't predict what will happened and that makes me feel like "does he the one for me? though I befriend him for 8 years, I still don't know if he's the one" " I shall just accept whoever came to me first to hand a marriage ring. All of this will came out of my head although I have a boyfriend. Be clear boys about your relay. Does mean you love her and she love you but she seems can't wait too long because she's afraid of losing instead of gaining. And HOPE is the word, and this will make her overthinking about your relationship. I didn't say all girl/woman like that. It probably just me. But I still do background check without your knowing before accepting tthat boy/man.
3. What influenced me to get married early???
My surrounding. My family for instance, mom of course being so strict about getting married early because I might be so immature in making decision but hey, you can't expect what will happened after marriage right? maybe I can be the most matured person in my family. I know she's scared of lot of things. News breaking about murdering wife, murdering girlfriend, and of course divorce cases. I know but, I also know what I am capable to do now. Do you people get it? it can be prevented but for how long? 
4. Am I ready for the challenges ahead me???
Yes I do. I know I can. All I need to do is focus! Focus on what I wanted to do now and in the future. Finished my study at 22 years old and hoping that he did give me wedding ring (for real) and we get married (in the modest way). But I know, I can't do that because he need to focus in his studies too. I reconsider, probably at the age of 23/24 I want to get married. (infinity topic to be discuss with me about this)
5. When can I actually istiqomah in everything I do???
- I need to stop everything that I do now but how? Hmm, I guess I can't if there are no cooperation between us
-  I really want to istiqomah fully. A MUST is a MUST and ADDED VALUE will be a MUST for me too in future. What is my added value? Following Sunnah. Especially in protecting this face from public. I just hate people to see my face because I thing Malaysian really love to judge appearance (not only face but also on what you wear, what you eat, where you go, and what you do)
6. Why choose niqab instead of exposed???
Because I want him to see how beautiful I am in the house and how I managed to save my beauty only for my husband not for other boys/man to look. I just wish he could understand that.
7. What am I after I finished my degree in Culinary Art Management???
For sure I don't know. But what I wanted to do is focusing on BUSINESS. Hmm
8. Why am I so anxiety about everything???
I don't know, I love to think about everything I do, or judged myself whenever someone says something about me. I need to know and learn how to change negativity that I have in me. I wanted to be better for myself and others too. I tend to try to  make everyone satisfied and anxiety always comes to my mind. I will change that soon enough. Change not to be the new me, just an old me. Like when I was a kid that I didn't think about people mad at me because they don't love me no more (this negative thought/anxiety feeling is the me in present) So yeah, I will try not to be so negative

I guesss, that all for today. I seems to be very tired now. writing up a post at 4.24 AM.
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